I WAS called spiritually bankrupt this week.

I’m used hearing the b word levelled at me by the morally virtuous and by bank managers but I always thought my spiritual accounts were in the black.

This scurrilous allegation arose as a result of a discussion about crystals.

Like the rest of the sane world I am aware they are pretty and shiny but completely devoid of any magical qualities.

I was, therefore, concerned to hear a female friend say: “Sure, there is no evidence that crystals have healing powers, but it’s my opinion they do.”

I sensibly pointed out ignorance did not technically count as an opinion. This was when my spirituality was called into question. I was outraged. I have an Enya CD for God’s sake.

She was babbling, probably about scented candles, tree-hugging or reading tea leaves, but then I caught the start of an anecdote about her swimming with dolphins.

Now I have never found anything spiritual about being close to these spiteful ocean dwellers.

My first experience was in Australia where I jogged to the water in my red swimming trunks – for onlookers I imagine it must have been like Baywatch. Waist deep I saw my first dolphin as it swam between my legs. I ventured a friendly pat on the head of my new aquatic acquaintance, inadvertently covering its eyes. It was livid.

Thankfully it seemed to blame the woman beside me and gave her a beak whacking then chased her from the water.

Seeing this horrific attack made deeply suspicious of all pro-dolphin propaganda.

I heard one gabbled account of a woman who claimed she was stranded at sea and had all but given up when one of Flipper’s cousins offered up a fin and towed her to shore.

I refuse to believe the creature cared about her wellbeing, she grabbed a fin without consent and the dolphin happened to be heading towards land.

We don’t to get to hear from swimmers who get their hands on a rubbery torso only to get dropped off in the middle of the Atlantic ocean.

Later we happened to be watching a documentary where a man tearfully heaped praise on the dolphin community and claimed they had saved him from a predator.

My friend nodded along as viewers were told how he got in the water to frolic with the smirking mammals, was bitten by a great white shark and then was saved by said dolphins swimming protective rings around them.

She looked at me with dewy eyes clearly expecting a retraction but clearly this group of dolphins had teased the man into diving into shark-infesting waters, let their fishy friend eat its fill before returning to laugh about what they had done.

Dolphins are as sinister as sharks they just have better PR people.